Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
I could have mohawked her pubes.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
