Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
We just shotgunned beers for America
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
