I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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