i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
last night I used snow as a chaser
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
