i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize
