My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
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I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
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I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
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