If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Randomize
