Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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