Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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