Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
