I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
