we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Randomize
