Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
