I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
So gin and wine won't be happening again
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
