I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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