Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
i just google imaged poop.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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