just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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