There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
