i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
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