And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.