im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.