Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
