A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
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