my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize
