I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
