I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
