ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
