He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
