is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
