What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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