I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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