All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
