I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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