I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
