well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
