his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
