Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Randomize
