Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
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