He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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