Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
