It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Randomize
