Non-Jews are for practice
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I got inside last night via doggy door
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
