I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Randomize
