Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Its only 8 and she is already passed out
Perfect here is wht u do. Gently slip your index middle and ring finger into her butt hole but gently u dont wnt to wake her..let me know when ur ready for step 2
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Randomize
