All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
