you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Randomize
