explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
