life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
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