if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
