Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
