I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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