Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
Randomize
