no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
