we're chasing vodka with high fives
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
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