I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
