I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
