a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
you inspire me to be a worse person
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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