Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Randomize
