So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
