Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
he quoted the bible to break up with me
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize
