the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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