i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
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