I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
