ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
