remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
